So many women struggle to re-establish sexual intimacy with their partners after the birth of a child. They miss the connection and bonding it brings to the relationship and yet there can still be so much resistance to re-engaging with their lover. Let’s look at some of the main reasons why sex may be LOW on the list of priorities:

       

1. Sleep Deprivation – aahhh beautiful sleep, where for art thou? The fact is, sleep is usually the number 1 priority during the first few months. Sleep deprivation IS a form of torture! New mums and breastfeeding mums need sleep (or at least restful downtime), whenever they can get it. Healing from childbirth, producing milk and managing hormone fluctuations require your body to have downtime.

Guys – if you’re missing your lover (and of course you are!), then let her get some sleep, take the kid/s and let her get some SOLO pillow time without the need to be on high alert for any sound or indication that she may be required in the immediate future. I can pretty much guarantee you, that even if this does not pay off immediately, it will in the long run, seriously, I wouldn’t lie to you, the overwhelming sense of relief and gratitude will be stored away as a MAJOR tick next to your name, do not underestimate the power of sleep!

2. Vaginal tearing – well, what can I say? Ouch! This is going to take time to heal and even when the physical has healed there still may be emotional healing that needs to occur. Something extraordinary and miraculous happened down there.

Guys, if you were present for the birth and saw your little one emerging from this sacred space and you remember that feeling of “holy s*#t, how is this possible?!” Well, magnify that sensation by 100% for your significant other, yep it’s possible and completely natural but there’s some extra loving that’s gonna be required, her Yoni (vagina) needs to be reminded that it’s still possible for pleasure to occur down there, she will have a vague recollection that it’s possible, however, recent history begs to differ. Treat your woman tenderly & patiently, don’t get stuck in ideas of how it ‘used’ to be, go slow, be gentle, make sure she is relaxed. Use lots of lube if necessary, say ‘hi’ with your fingers first, introduce yourself, take time to get reacquainted and above all don’t have any attachment to how these first few engagements are going to end up. Perhaps you’ll have intercourse, perhaps not, if you’re partner is feeling pain, lovingly touch the tender area, softly encourage pleasure and love back into that place, if she needs to cry, hold her. Your sensitivity and patience during this initial re-engagement period will work wonders. Remember she loved sex once too and she will again, with your love and understanding sex can be better than ever!

    

3. Breastfeeding – mmmmm, what was once purely a tool for pleasure has now become some-else’s feeding playground. As a first time mum it may be more difficult to switch from mother to lover, especially where breast stimulation is involved.  There’s a good chance that any breast stimulation will start the milk flowing and let’s be honest, that stuff is GOLD, don’t waste it! But seriously, breasts have taken on another role and their number one priority is baby feeding, this is absolutely the most nutritous and healthy way for your baby to grow up big & healthy. Some women don’t have a problem switching between sexual stimulation and lactation stimulation, others may find it very difficult. There’s no easy comparison to draw here to help guys understand this body/brain contradiction, the only one I can think of, blurs the lines of appropriateness, so I’ll keep it to myself. All I will say is, talk to your partner, breasts may just be a No-Go area for a while (just a while, not forever!). Oh and if cracked nipples are apparent, approach at your own risk, death may follow swiftly and painfully!

    

   4. Feeling unsupported – unfortunately this is all too common, ladies you’ve nurtured and carried a child for approximately 9 months, been told what you could and couldn’t eat, what you could and couldn’t do, slept in uncomfortable positions for your baby’s wellbeing (yes tummy sleeping will be possible again after breastfeeding is over – bliss!), gave birth somewhere between ecstatically and traumatically, lost your figure (temporarily), accepted that your body would belong to someone else for 9 months+++, are coping with being on high alert and on call 24/7, have embraced overwhelming pain & emotions, are suffering sleep deprivation and fatigue and have probably realised you’re on the outside of the usual support networks you had before, i.e. work, gym, friends (yeah, I’ve left stuff out but you get the picture)...It’s been FULL ON, an adjustment period will be needed, this amount of time will vary depending on many factors, including your birthing experience and your post partum support.

Guys – this is when we need you to STEP UP. I mean to the fullest extent that you are capable of. Every day, in every way. Bubba needs Mumma, Mumma needs you, she NEEDS you! If she asks you for something please do it, is she needs sleep (pretty much a given), find a way to make it happen, if she needs to

cry coz today feels like a day she couldn’t cope, then hold her in your arms for as long as it takes, don’t judge her or question her. Yes it may seem like it’s all about Mum & Bub right now, baby is 100% dependent, mum is giving 100% (or more) of what’s she’s got, in every moment of everyday. Imagine if she only had to give 80%, what could she do with that remaining 20%, what if she only had to give 60% because you and friends and family were providing the remaining 40%, imagine how much of that could come your way? Again, patience and sensitivity are paramount right now, along with your full presence and essence, of you, in your masculine; protecting & providing for your family. It will be noticed, applauded and felt with deep love and gratitude. She loves you, she mixed DNA with you right? That counts big-time! Your life with the mother of your child will be more fulfilling and rewarding in ALL areas, more so than you could ever imagine, if you can just be there for her, now, when she needs you the most.

5. Feeling undesirable – Yeah, I know you’ve been stretched, poked, prodded, had things inserted, pushed out, pulled out and felt sensations and had experiences like never before. You’re pre-baby body will come back, don’t rush it. If you’re breastfeeding your body requires the extra weight so you can produce lots of yummy milk. Forget about what your body looks like and just feel it. It is beautiful, luscious and juicy! It has nurtured and nourished and continues to do so. It is capable of bringing you so much pleasure and you deserve to feel pleasure. You deserve to share intimate and playful time with your lover, fill your cup up, let the overflow spill out to those you love. The sparkle of love and desire in your eyes when you look at your man is the most beautiful thing he will ever see!

Guys – just love her, for all she is, all she has accomplished and all she continues to do and be, worship her in her completeness, see the beauty and sensuality of a woman in her naturalness and watch as she falls into your arms, because really, that is where she wants to be.

 

Keep the love making light and playful, with lots of love and laughter. This is a new road for you both, whether it is baby number 1 or number 10, life has changed, forever. Discover a new way forward, together, with pleasure and in beauty.

 

Namaste

Nicole

I had an interesting conversation yesterday, a long and lengthy one and amongst the many ‘reasons’ why this person wasn’t honouring their word to me and paying me the long outstanding money they had agreed to pay me (and apparently never will), was this pearler! “If you are struggling, go get a full-time job” – WTF! Even if this statement could justify reneging on a prior financial agreement (and I’m pretty sure it can’t), how can raising a child as a single parent and running your own business not be classified as full-time work?

It’s possible that I could be better off financially if I worked 9-5pm, 5 days a week, this is questionable though, what with the cost of day-care/child-care factored in and don’t think for a second that the thought of 9-5pm isn’t appealing because as a Massage Therapist I sometimes work late into the evening and on weekends, not exactly fun, convenient or easy! Perhaps 5 days a week (not weekends – woohoo!) may be possible once my daughter starts school next year, maybe not.

I would also probably be better off financially as a stay-at-home-mum but where is the opportunity to offer the world my skills & talents and interact with my peers? I know I would not be better of physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually though. I have chosen to juggle my career with raising my child because I believe that my child should spend more time with her parent/s then with strangers or even other family members. This is my belief and of course everyone is entitled to their own, whatever it is, only you can know what is in the best interests of yourself and your family in all these areas, I just ask for the same courtesy in return.

I am a good Massage Therapist, one of the best I am frequently told, I feel privileged every day to support women before, during and

after pregnancy, this is my calling, it sings in my heart. Supporting and empowering women through all stages of their lives has always been a passion for me and I am honoured to share my gifts with my clients, friends and family. In doing this, my child gets to experience her mother working and connecting on a deep and intimate level with other people, she is learning that you don’t have to hate your job, she is learning that money isn’t everything & certainly doesn’t buy you happiness (but damn it’s nice!), she is learning that she can be included in all aspects of my life and that she is my number one priority, the person I love above all others. How can my commitment to my child, my career and my belief systems on good parenting be ridiculed and attacked?

Yeah, it can be hard to manage time effectively every day. Yeah, sometimes I have to turn clients away because it’s a day I have chosen to spend bonding with my child, connecting with my child, growing with my child, experiencing life with my child. I make this a priority even when the bank account may be encouraging me to do otherwise. Yep, some weeks it’s hard. Yep, it is my choice to prioritise life this way.  NO, that does not mean you can break your word or renege on an agreement!

Much love to all the parents out there who think that spending quality time, that’s QUALITY time, with their kids, is more important than punching a time clock! Enjoy the dance while it lasts, because it won’t last forever...

Namaste

Nicole

Headaches are quite common throughout pregnancy. During the 1st Trimester they are often caused by a surge in hormones and an increase in blood volume circulating throughout the body. In the 3rd trimester they can be caused by a compromised posture and tension due to the extra (and perfectly natural) weight gain that comes with growing a baby.

Headaches can be furthered aggravated by:

• Stress
• Lack of sleep
• low blood sugar
• Dehydration
• Caffeine withdrawal

So along with drinking plenty of water and taking lots of rest and relaxation there are a few other ways to help relieve those nasty pregnancy headaches!

1. Practice good posture - The natural curves of the spine are accentuated during pregnancy, while extra weight may distribute
   
   around the body, most of it is going straight to your tummy, increasing strain on many areas. Yoga is perfect for this, helping to realign the spine, relax and lengthen tight muscles and all while releasing and relieving emotional and physical pain and stress!
2. Exercise - Yep, I know, excercise! However, this does not mean that you have to run 20km's on a treadmill 3 times a week, even a leisurely stroll along the beach or to the local shops or park is counted as exercise. The important thing is to keep your body active so that new nutrients are being supplied to all the cells in your body and that the lymphatic system can do it's job by removing all the toxins that can build up over time. Remember, exercise can be enjoyable (sex counts too).
3. Massage - eases away aches & pains and relieves tight and tense muscles caused by stress and poor posture, allows you to feel relaxed and increases oxygen into the blood stream, helping with the symptoms of sleep deprivation. It can also lower your heart rate & help combat high blood pressure. More about massage...
4. Well balanced meals - sorry to those who are living on vegemite and crackers while the morning (sometimes all day sickness)
   
   continues but once you have your appetite back it is best to eat frequent and small meals throughout the day. Making sure that your diet is well rounded and also feeding those cravings when they come, listen to your body, some of the cravings may seem strange but your body and your baby know what they need. Moderation is the key!
5. Cold or Heat packs - feeling hot flushes & suffering from the heat? Use a cold pack or a cool compress wherever it feels good!  Better yet, go for a nice cool swim, the feeling of weightlessness will change your life and take some of the stress off your joints and muscles ...Suffering from tightness and tension? Then heat packs or a warm bath or shower can make you feel on top of the world! I lived in the shower during my first 3 months of all day morning sickness, something to do with negative ions I think. Water is a great healer and cleanser!
6. Yoga - Deep breathing exercises in yoga increase blood flow to you and your baby, carrying much need nutrients in and toxins out, it also encourages relaxation and receptivity. Shallow breathing is quite common during pregnancy, you may have noticed a shortness of breath where there never was before. A growing baby takes up room, organs need to relocate and the diaphram can be affected. Not to mention how connecting body and breath can aid you enormously during the birthing process!

As with all things in life, you can treat pregnancy as an ordeal to be endured, or as an opportunity to discover new & exciting ways to nourish yourself:- physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally & sexually, in my opinion, pregnancy is a perfect time to allow yourself to be fully nurtured & cared for in ways you may have never allowed for before...

Namaste
Nicole

P.S. Reducing the following migraine triggers may help you too: Chocolate, alcohol, yoghurt, aged cheese, peanuts, breads with fresh yeast, processed meats & sour cream.

I was out this afternoon, supporting my daughter in learning how to ride her bike (much to her frustration!) and as I wandered along the path behind her, keeping child & bike in my peripheral vision, whilst soaking up the sunshine, looking out over the ocean and breathing in the fresh air, my mind began a wondering...I thought "If I didn't have a child, if I didn't feel the need to get her outside daily to play & explore, would I spend too much time indoors (especially through winter!), in front of the computer, telling myself just 5 more minutes, perhaps half an hour and I'll have a break, go for a walk, something, anything". I began to realise that all the times that I get interrupted by her wants, side-tracked by her desires and coerced into random playground journeys, that these moments are actually of great benefit to me.

My compulsion to put my child first, fulfil her needs and nurture her freedom is a timely reminder to me to do the same for myself. To allow the responsibilties to drop away for even one small moment, to be in that moment, experiencing the world outside these 4 walls and embracing the creativity that flows from being in that receptive, feminine, nature-filled heart space! Today (like so many other days) I am grateful for having my daughter in my life as one of my greatest teachers, whether she knows it or not and with all the challenges and joy that it brings. I've made a decison that in times of stress or overwhelm I will remind myself that "from great sacrifice - comes great reward".

To all those Mother's out there who may not be able to appreciate the lessons that are being taught to them today, I would encourage you to take a moment, take a deep breath - way down into your belly, feel your womb space, feel your feet connecting you firmly to mother earth, feel your chest & heart expand and know, that this time will pass, everything changes and it is your ability to find the joy, satisfaction, pleasure (or at the very least) the life lesson in any given situation that will sustain and feed you. Only you can be responsible for your happiness....so at least once today, put yourself first, care for you, nurture you, love you and the world will surely follow!

 

In Beauty

Nicole@Sunfyre